I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
