you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
