Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's Friday. Sex?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
