the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
