so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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