You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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