Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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