Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
