my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
