Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
