From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
