All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
