i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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