New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
