Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
