awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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