If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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