I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
