Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
