what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
