My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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