About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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