Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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