The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
