Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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