Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They took my balls.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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