so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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