All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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