Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
