I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
