Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
