I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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