Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
FUCK WHALES
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
