I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
