Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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