i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
