So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
