After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
