the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
