Pants 0. Shit 1.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
