i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
