can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
