was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
