The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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