At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
