I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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