I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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