oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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