can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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