If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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