i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
