Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
