my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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