Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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