why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
