Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
