Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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